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Understanding Cognitive Dissonance

Healing is about realising wholeness, unity and integrity. True happiness, and lasting contentment depend on resilience, on being at peace with ourselves. 

Emotional Independence and Enlightenment, depend on our thoughts, feelings and actions being aligned.

The presence of negative thoughts and emotions is usually a sign that our thoughts, feelings, actions, values, beliefs ad and observations are coming into conflict with one another. It is up to us to recognise where, and why, in order to regain our inner-balance. 

The concept of Cognitive Dissonance describes the process, and feeling of this misalignment.

Cognitive dissonance, in psychological terms, describes the discomfort felt when your beliefs are inconsistent with one another or with your actions. 

Cognitive dissonance can make us feel uncomfortable and defensive, and when the truth of our thoughts depends on the falseness of others we may also find ourselves engaging in destructive and damaging rationalisations. To ‘rationalise something’, is to try and prove it true or righteous, not out of interest in the truth, but out of a desire to overcome ones’ uncomfortable feelings. In psychology it is a defence mechanism in which an attempt is made to justify contradictory thoughts, feelings or behaviours in order to protect oneself from a perceived threat.

In almost every case, the perceived threat, is someone, or something, outside the person, but a closer examination reveals, the threat is nothing more than coming face to face with our own feelings. Remember, all we really fear, is a feeling, and our feelings come from inside, not outside. In essence, we engage in rationalisation, most often to avoid the truth of our own feelings, because they scare us.

This process ranges from fully conscious (when offering an untrue explanation for ones behaviour in order to avoid the judgement of others), to mostly unconscious, in which it is used to suppress internal feelings of fear, guilt or shame. 

What we want to do, is recognise our discomfort as a harmless sign that our beliefs may not match reality, or that our actions may not be aligned with our values – and on seeing this we want to turn our attention inward to better understand what is going on, and change either our behaviour or the way we think, in such a way that brings us greater peace of mind.

If we fail to recognise the discomfort as coming from inside, and interpret it as being caused by other people, or the situation we find ourselves in, then we are less likely to integrate the new information, and more likely to be in denial and get defensive – blaming other people for the way we feel. Then of course we think, the solution to our discomfort is to prove the other person wrong.

The principle reason we fail to recognise cognitive dissonance for what it is – a guide showing us the way to inner balance, is due to the fear we have of our own feelings. If we cannot bear to be uncomfortable, we become impatient, seeking distraction or control, which lends itself to fear and anger.

Cognitive Dissonance, isn’t a bad thing. It only turns bad when we become fearful and defensive. To avoid this happening, we must cultivate that sincere curiosity about ourselves which I’ve been mentioning. So long as you are sincerely interested in seeing yourself as you really are, and in seeing things as they really are, then you will find the strength you need to bear the discomfort ultimately find a way to regain the sense of wholeness and integrity which produces peace of mind.

It can be hard to grasp what cognitive dissonance looks like without an example. So here’s a story that may help.

A friend of mine was ordering some vegan food at a local sandwich shop, and the girl working there asked if he was vegan. When he said yes, the girl asked, how do you do it? He said, it starts with loving animals, and before he finished, she got angry and said, I love animals, as if he said she didn’t. 

That emotional reaction came from within her. My friend wasn’t judging her, and even if he were, the way she felt was still created by her mind. She probably felt that way because a part of her sees the obvious discrepancy between what she values and what she does. It’s incongruent on some level, to say you value all life, or that you love animals, and eat them. Rather than stop eating animals, many people rationalize their decision by telling themselves things like:

  • Chickens are dumb.
  • Fish don’t have feelings.
  • I only eat local, grass fed beef.
  • You need the protein.

Many other people try not to think about it.

Interestingly, food is often marketed with different words, perhaps in an attempt to avoid triggering this type of dissonance in people. For example, we use the word pork, instead of pig and beef instead of cow. This also makes it easier for children not to think about the food they eat as once living things.

This example of cognitive dissonance and rationalization, shows that these psychological stresses are very common and not reserved to severe mental illness.

Another common example, of cognitive dissonance is the struggle that many monothesitic religious people (Christians, Jews, Muslims etc.) eventually face, when their belief in a benevolent, loving all powerful God, comes in conflict with the reality of, for example, their child’s cancer or something equally unfair. Indeed, the inability to reconcile how God could be all powerful, and all-loving, while the world appears full of suffering and strife, is the reason many people simply can’t believe in God.

Another good example of Cognitive Dissonance often happens when children are abused by the people they love.

When a child loves their Dad, who’s sometimes nice to them, but who also abuses them, they may have very mixed thoughts and feelings which are difficult to reconcile. Is there a Dad a good person or a bad person? Can they trust their Dad, or not?

If a child discloses to you, that they’ve been abused their Dad, and you start saying negative things about him, that their Dad is terrible and so forth, the child may actually begin to defend their abuser. They may start saying, it wasn’t that bad, it doesn’t happen often and start minimising the reality of what they just disclosed. This is an attempt at rationalisation meant to reconcile the different ideas they have about the person, and perhaps themselves.

Have you ever talked yourself into staying in a relationship or job you didn’t really want to be in?

How many hours, days, weeks, months, or years, did you stay after knowing it didn’t feel quite right for you. Did you tell yourself that it was for the kids, for the pets, or for the money? Did you tell yourself a story in which you imagined a life of poverty or loneliness?

We tell ourselves so many stories, to justify our staying where we don’t want to be. Yet anyone who’s been through this, knows how relieving it is when you’re finally true to yourself.

 

You can’t accomplish peace of mind, let alone clarity of mind, when your values and actions are not aligned. 

While the examples given may seem more extreme, the truth is there are many far more subtle ways in which our values and actions may be misaligned, and result in psychological stress.

The most relatable example, being the experience of having goals you find yourself incapable of taking action on, and following through with. 

The confusion as to why we cannot find the motivation or energy, or willing to do the things we love, which are meaningful to us, can be very hard to bare. 

In an attempt to mitigate this painful confusion, we try coming up with all kinds of explanations. We judge ourselves as lazy, or not good enough. Part of us thinking, if I accept that as the truth, I’ll be able to make peace with why this is happening. Or we may tell ourselves that this thing we’re passionate about isn’t important to other people, so there’s not point in bothering. These are examples of rationalisation: they’re attempts to justify why our values and actions aren’t aligned: a poor attempt at making peace with something we don’t understand. Of course, anyone who’s had this conversation with themselves knows it never really leads, to satisfactory sense of peace and acceptance.

The truth is there are probably more subconscious fears, desires and beliefs that sap you of your energy and motivation and that is why you find you can’t accomplish your goals. The only way to overcome the dissonance, is to understand the deepest truth of the situation. You will learn skills as you go through the course to help you work through these blockages.

Make a list of your values. They could be qualities you appreciate and admire in other people. They could also be things you care about, like preserving nature.

When you’re finished, go back and read over it. Ask yourself if any of your thoughts, feelings, words, and actions aren’t aligned with these values.

For example, if you value honesty, is there someone who would benefit from knowing what you really think and feel? Are there any conversations you’ve been avoiding having? Is there anything you need to express that has been weighing on you?

If you value nature, are you buying organic food to cut down on the use of pesticides? Are you buying second-hand whenever possible to cut down on waste?

This isn’t about guilt of course. No one’s saying what you should or shouldn’t value. This is an opportunity for you to cultivate more peace of mind, and a greater sense of fulfilment through developing integrity and wholeness.

Pick one value or quality and make a small commitment to cultivate, embody and express a little more of it in your daily life

  • Healing is about realising wholeness, unity and integrity. True happiness, and lasting contentment depend on resilience, on being at peace with ourselves.
  •  The presence of negative thoughts and emotions is usually a sign that our thoughts, feelings, actions, values, beliefs ad and observations are coming into conflict with one another. It is up to us to recognise where, and why, in order to regain our inner-balance.
  • Cognitive dissonance, in psychological terms, describes the discomfort felt when your beliefs are inconsistent with one another or with your actions. 
  • To ‘rationalise something’, is to try and prove it true or righteous, not out of interest in the truth, but out of a desire to overcome ones’ uncomfortable feelings.
  • The principle reason we fail to recognise cognitive dissonance for what it is – a guide showing us the way to inner balance, is due to the fear we have of our own feelings.
  • So long as you are sincerely interested in seeing yourself as you really are, and in seeing things as they really are, then you will find the strength you need to bear the discomfort and ultimately find a way to regain the sense of wholeness and integrity which produces peace of mind.